My Valentine’s Day gave me a ray of hope, and I rode that high for days. As I reflected on how my wife actually gave me flowers and a necklace, I thought to myself that she actually gave me gifts the inner girl in me loved. I was so appreciative. I saw her trying and trying hard.
In the meantime, I also learned that my primary care physician had become willing to administer the start of my hormone therapy. After dealing with nearly a month of red tape and being bounced around, I finally have some resolution. I actually have an appointment scheduled to see my doctor next week. That made me squee.
Finally, things seemed to be coming together. My wife was warming ever so much in allowing me to express my femininity, and my doctors were getting on the same page regarding my care. Actual progress! Smiles, happiness, rays of hope.
Then, I told my wife about my appointment.
In no uncertain terms, the happy sunshine moments were replaced by ominous storm clouds. My wife went into immediate defense mode. Chicken Little came out to declare the sky was falling and the world was ending. I was told that if I chose to start HRT, I would lose my family. Throughout my questioning, I have always had an idea of the transition steps. For me, I resolved that HRT was the next step in the process, and despite the side effect of sterility (I still like the idea of another child), I had come to terms that I wanted to start HRT and use it as a diagnostic tool. I believe that hormones will aid me in making a final decision as to whether or not I am ready and comfortable to live full-time as a woman, or if being a gentle male is good enough for me.
There are no guarantees, of course. HRT could just make me as confused as ever, but I feel like I have rationalized and lived in my head too long. I need more experience as to what it is like to live and feel like a woman. I miss the emotionality I once had growing up. I have built this wall of emotion over the years. I actually welcome some of the moodiness that estrogen and progesterone may throw my way. I feel trapped and restricted. I need a release, and I need to know I am on the right path. I also know that hormones take their time, which is why I am anxious to move forward. I’m an older transitioner in the grand scheme of things. No, I’m not 50, but at my age, hormones are said to have a lesser effect, and that’s not a prognosis I want to hear. Everyone who starts HRT has an individual experience. Truly, your mileage may vary. I want to know how my experience plays out.
My wife thinks I am moving too fast. She believes I need to slow down because I am so confused as to what I want. What I want is to express more femininity, but I am not allowed to do that at home in front of my kids and my wife. I am not ready to be freely out in the world as transgender—not until hormonal effects start becoming more obvious. Do I Want to tell more people? Yes. Do I want to go out more en femme? Most definitely. But I need more…
She is willing to leave if I go through with this appointment and start hormones. “Do you love me enough to not do this and lose your family?” That is question posed to me. I feel like I am pinned against a wall. Maintaining my marriage and not breaking up the kids is incredibly important to me. I love them deeply with all of my heart. But my happiness and identity are in question, and I how do I ignore these feelings that affect my identity and happiness?
There were signs of apology today for her defensiveness last night, but there was no indication that her position has changed. She feels I am not ready for HRT. But if I am not ready, then what? What does delaying HRT do for me? Does it just keep me miserable, or can she overcome her fears? I just don’t know.
Apparently, I have a week to figure it out.