Happy Valentine’s Day to Me!

For over eight months now, I have been actively dealing with questioning my gender.  It has been an extremely difficult journey, as my situation is complicated by the fact that I am married with two young children.  Further, my wife has shown little to no interest in supporting my transition.

In December, I set myself for disappointment.  I was repeatedly asked what I wanted for Christmas.  This has always been a hard question for me to answer, because honestly, I have trouble coming up with good answers.  After coming up with a whole lot of nothing for a long time, I sat down and really thought about it.  And what did I come up with?  I wanted girly things:  most notably, I wanted a makeup consultation.  In one of our many fights, I mentioned that I couldn’t really ask for what I wanted because the things I wanted were feminine and related to transition, which she did not support, so I wasn’t asking for them.  When pressed for an example of something I wanted but couldn’t ask for, I did mention my desire for a makeup consultation.  But I wrote it off thinking she would never be able to offer that to me considering her feelings.  However, as we got closer to Christmas, she made mention that she had walked into a Sephora and asked about the services they offered.  With that information, I raised my hopes thinking that she might have crossed over and got me what I really wanted.  Sadly, I was wrong.

Christmas came, and I lavished her with lots of big gifts.  I went a little overboard, probably because I was overcompensating and trying to express how much I still loved her.  In return, I received few gifts and nothing feminine or that I really wanted.  I set myself up for disappointment.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day.  I love February 14.  I am a hopeless romantic, and I couldn’t care less if it is a “Hallmark holiday” or not.  Any day dedicated to love and romance should be an important day on the calendar.  Considering our uneasy relationship, though, I really didn’t know what to expect.  After the outpouring of gifts I gave at Christmas, I really wasn’t in position to offer anything big again.  My gift was something she’d enjoy, but it didn’t really reflect love and romance (other than the sentiments I expressed in my card).  She felt guilty after Christmas, thinking she had somehow failed, and wanted to make Valentine’s a little more special for me.

In the morning, the doorbell rang.  The flowers I had ordered had arrived.  She bolted downstairs to answer the door.  Good start.  I came downstairs, and not only were her flowers in a box on the couch, but so were mine!  She sent me flowers — something she hadn’t done in years.  We exchanged cards, and hers actually made me cry.  For the first time since I began this journey, she said that I was the one that still had her heart and that there is no one she would rather be married to.  She was recommitting herself to me!  While she couldn’t promise what would happen in the future, on this day, there was finally a ray of sunshine I had yet to see.  There was substance behind the “I love you,” and that made me tear up.  My gift:  a necklace.  So, I got flowers and a necklace from my wife on Valentine’s Day… and that made me a happy girl.  🙂  She made breakfast, and later, we finished off the night with our planned date, laughing through a fun evening she set up.

This day turned out better than I could have ever thought.  Baby steps, but steps nonetheless.  She is trying, and I can see it.  I might not have received makeup, but she treated me a little more like a woman today, and she gave me things I could enjoy.  This was a Valentine’s Day to remember and hopefully a sign of less turbulent times ahead.  Combined with news that I may be able to start HRT earlier than expected, this weekend has been one of the more positive ones I have had in a long time.  I needed that.

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