What Do I Want?

On April 4, my wife finally read all of my blog posts for the first time.  I have not posted since, as I felt my personal diary had been violated.  Yes, I share this blog to the world, but I do so anonymously.  I write these thoughts to share my feelings and experiences, to vent, to receive feedback, and to seek therapy and possible help others.  But having to forcibly share those those stream of consciousness thoughts with my wife was heart-wrenching.  Still, my need to express my inner feelings is real, and so I write again.

I am now 9 weeks into HRT, and I have felt very little overall change.  My skin in softer (I like that!), but my breasts do not show signs of growth.  My hair grows about as quickly as it did before.  I am slightly more emotional, but I am not riding the roller coaster waves that I was warned about.  Granted, I am on a minimum dose of estradiol and spiro, so this could have a lot to do with it.  Still, I had hoped for more changes after 2 months.  I should have some labs next week, and if all is in line, I look to increase my dosages for greater effects in the coming months.

Of course, seeking more feminine effects is still a paradox in my world.  I still have not fully made the decision to transition.  I am most of the way there, but fear holds me back.  Fear of a potential divorce, separation from my children, the possibility that I am making a bad choice—they are all real possibilities.  However, despite the potential consequences, I move forward with HRT.  I am actively engaged in treating my facial hair with laser treatments (2 so far).  I wear panties and tuck on a daily basis.  I long for the day I can simply wear what I want in front of my wife and in the world.  But something holds me back.  Something prevents me from breaking through the wall and accepting a full transition is for me.

What Do You Want?

A simple question.  For most, there is a simple answer.  In the movie Good Will Hunting, Robin William’s therapist character asks Matt Damon’s character this very question several times.  Will has no answer, and gives a sarcastic answer that he wants to be a shepherd, which then gets him ejected from the therapist’s office because he can’t honestly answer this question.  Tonight during my support group, I was indirectly asked this question when I presented my fear-based problems.   I have no answer, and for me, that is a huge problem.

Since I am following the transition path, and I have been comfortable with all of the steps I have taken thus far, there must be a large part of me that wants this to happen.  This would suggest that there is a woman in me waiting to come out to the world.  I am more or less confident when I dress and am in public.  I enjoy makeup and shopping.  Even the “burdens” of shaving my legs and face to try to make myself more passable are somehow enjoyable.  Even though I am a little scared of some of the irreversible effects of hormones, I am still a little disappointed I don’t have any real breast growth to speak of at this point—even though such obvious growth would nearly force my decision.  I am emotionally distraught when I watch TV shows where an ultrasound is taken or a birth is shown, because a piece of me wants to have those experiences, although this will remain biologically impossible during my lifetime.

At the same time, I enjoy sex (not as much as  I used to, but still…).  I like the idea of being a mother, but as long as I continue to live the majority of my time as a male, it is hard not to continue to identify as a father.  I need the love and attention that comes with marriage and a partner that genuinely wants me to be happy.

What do I want?  I want the best of both worlds.  I want the freedom to explore and express my femininity while maintaining my marriage and keeping my family together.  But that is an idealistic dream.  Those that follow my journey know that my wife has clearly stated that we cannot stay together if I feel I need to be a full-time woman.  I must make a decision one way or the other, and pain will follow no matter which domino falls.  So in the end, it really does boil down to what I want inside, and I still don’t know how to answer that question after being on this journey for nearly a year.

Where is my epiphany moment?  What will trigger the switch that will align my head and my heart.  Guidance is appreciated.


12 thoughts on “What Do I Want?

  1. georgiakevin says:

    My heart goes out you my dear, I was thinking this morning of how impossible my situation is wanting to transition but the cost being so high and then i read your post and think well maybe if you can do it so can i, thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes my situation does seem impossible, especially when I cannot actually figure out what I want. I know the costs are high, but at some point, a decision must be made one way or the other, and there will be a cost no matter what direction my journey takes.

      “What do I want?”: That really is the question to answer. I keep asking myself what the costs are? What happens to my marriage or my children if I transition? What happens to my future? These really aren’t the questions I need to be considering. I really need to figure out what I want/need. The rest will fall into place one way or the other.

      While I have few readers, I do appreciate your continued following and thoughts on my journey. While the main purpose of my blog is to get my feelings out, it is a nice ancillary benefit to be able to help other people dealing with my same questions in their personal lives.

      I wish you well with your decision. I am heartened that my words resonate with you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you will consider that what you really have going on is autogynephilia. It is an embarrassing topic for many men with transgender feelings, but it’s a very real and common phenomenon. Because it is embarrassing, all discourse on the topic has been stifled; many trans folks insist it has been “discredited” etc. This is far from true. I encourage you to read up on it. There are simpler solutions to your feelings than to mutilate your body, destroy your family etc. in pursuit of a dream. I have put many resources up on this site:


    The rhetoric there may be a bit harsh, but it gets people’s attention. The fact is that the vast majority, perhaps 90% of men who occasionally or often cross-dress erotically (and nowadays increasingly “transition”), have autogynephilia.

    Good luck.


    • Your presumption of me and my situation is not welcome here. I do not crossdress for erotic purposes, nor do I consider my questioning as a new version of a mid-life crisis you speak of on your blog.

      You excerpted my blog to prove a point that I am experiencing, in your words, a paraphilia, implying a sexual perversion. Very little about my potential transition is sexual in nature. There is no masturbating; no erotic feelings when I think about being a physical woman. Do you truly believe that birthing a child is sexual in nature? Do you think I thought it was turned on by the fact that my wife was in so much pain during labor?

      If I decide to have GRS (which I have not yet decided to consider), I will not perceive it as a mutilation of my body. I would do it to match the internal persona I decided best fit me. I am not embarrassed by the person I am, nor do I stop questioning myself and what I want and is best for me. I will continue to work with my doctor, therapist, family, and friends to figure out where my life’s journey will take me. That may lead to a full transition. It may not. But autogynephilia is not something I will consider as a possible diagnosis.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sara19719 says:

        Crossdressing and being transgender are two different things. Most crossdressers are normal masculine hetero married males who crossdress for sexual reasons. Most have no intention of being a woman and are very happy being male. Most transgenders AMAB have deep feelings of being female and identify better to the female gender, Genitals don’t define our gender as some people want to believe. Transgenderism has existed for thousand of years in both humans and animals. People are born gay,bi,hetero, or transgender and don’t have much of a choice. You have to learn to live life with the cards you where dealt with whether you like it or not and people don’t agree.

        Some people argue that Autogynephilia doesn’t exist and we could debate that all day. If Autogynephilia existed, it could be defined as a mental illness where being transgender is defined as a medical condition. Most people don’t choose to be transgender or want to be transgender, but they realize they have to face it. Awsomecat, you like to categorize all late transitioners as Autogynephilia, but that isn’t true. Some men recall of childhood memories of wanting to be a girl, but they didn’t understand those feelings so the repress them an move on in life only to have them return much stronger. Just like Symphonic dreamer, a birth of a child can raise them issues. I even expeirenced that my self with the birth of my son. It added to my confusion and depression of wanting to be the one giving birth instead. What normal male would want to indure that pain, none.

        GRS like any other operation carries risks. I have not decided yet my self if i really need it, but i am leaving the door open to it. It all boils down to a personal decision which should be well thought over and not rushed into.GRS is not mutilation of the genitals as some people want to believe. If it helps a person to survive in their life, it has very positive results. People need to educate themselves before they speak. Not everybody transition is the same and no two are alike.

        Liked by 1 person

    • What snapped in your brain to make you subscribe to that sort of twisted, non-scientific tripe as that?!?! How can you not see that the content on that link is pretty much trans-phobic hate propaganda?!?

      Dreamer, you may want to delete awesome cat’s posts/links. Unless you care to leave them up so others an see what sort of a trans-phobe they are.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the concern, Caden. I left AwesomeCat’s comment unedited as a matter of free expression, along with my response decrying Cat’s use of my blog, as well as Cat’s assumptions about my life.

        Yes, the content is transphobic, flawed, and scientifically debunked. Cat has proceeded not to further comment, so I consider the matter closed.

        I am trying to avoid censoring here, while also rising above any hate.

        Also, Caden, thank you for continuing to read my posts. Much appreciated. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • I had a lengthy, awesome response filled with wit, banter, and intellectual substance… And I think my pocket deleted it. This never would have happened if my phone was in my purse!

        Anyhow; I’m not one to subscribe to the whole “Hate Speech” mantra, as that flies in the face of personal liberty and personal responsibility. The appearance of hate speech laws usually precedes the erosion of other constitutional rights, in whichever country enacts that law.

        So from a legal perspective, I’m against hate speech. But from a personal position, I take issue with people that utter hate speech. I just do not feel there needs to be a law for everything.

        But the tripe on that website is pure hate propaganda; obviously compiled by someone with a very hateful agenda. What’s worse is that it possibly converts ppl like that awesome cat(if they are not the owner of that blog) to that scary thought process. I would certainly hate for a young impressionable trans person to stumble onto that blog. It could very well do damage to a young developing mind who doesn’t even fully understand who they are, or why.

        So in my book, there is censoring, and there is giving air to dangerous lines of thought, and directing traffic to a blog that should die a painful unattended “death.”

        And of course I continue to read your blog hon! I’m all about positive support, even if hateful people draw out the uglier negative emotions in me! Have a great day.

        Ever & Always,
        An emotional Caden Lane

        Liked by 1 person

  3. sara19719 says:

    You will figure things out yourself. You need to figure which is better, life as a man or life as a woman. Since your already on low does of hormones and you like the changes so far, maybe that’s your answer. Give the time for the hormones to do their magic. Don’t worry about your breasts, give them time to develop.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am trying to be as patient as possible to allow the hormones to have their intended effects, but sometimes it just feels painfully slow. Part of the justification of starting HRT was to use it as a diagnostic tool to see how I would react to the physical and emotional changes they would bring. Basically, I want to start feeling those effects to a greater degree.

      I am not overly concerned about breast growth, although it would be a more obvious sign hormones are having an effect. Breast growth is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it’s something I want to experience. On the other hand, obvious breast growth forces my hand in making a full-time decision (which in and of itself could be a good thing).

      In short, I’m looking for guidance to direct me. What do I want? I don’t know, but like you said, I like the changes so far. That’s saying something.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sara19719 says:

        Patience is the number 1 thing, take things slow. You did things the right way by starting out on low doses of HRT as a diagnostic tool to begin with. You could have stopped them anytime if you knew they didn’t feel right. Now that you got your taste of estrogen, you want more. Why??, because you know estrogen feels right to you mentally.

        Breast growth is a sign that the hormones are working. We all want to experience breast growth, but be patient. If you develop small breasts, you can always find ways to hide them and still present male. If you develop large breasts that you can’t hide anymore, it may force your hand to make a decision one way or another. I have small breasts right now, so i can still hide them with a sports bra and loose shirts.

        I understand your looking for guidance to direct you, but the use of your own Professionals and Education is what you need. They are the ones who are going to guide you through this, not me or somebody else. You must be in control of your own destiny and make educated smart decisions. We cannot make decisions for you but to only offer advice. Some people will tell you that you need to do this or that, but it is not their decision, it’s only yours. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in other peoples drama.

        I know your in a tough spot on whether to transition or not and my heart aches for you. Sooner or later the time will come when your going to have to make that tough decision. Don’t allow yourself to rush into it and make sure that it is the right decision for you. Work very hard on your marriage and try to save it, try coupling counseling with someone experienced in gender issues. If things don’t work out, try to remain friends for the sake of the children. You want them in your life and they want you in their life. If you take things slow, things will work out for you.

        Liked by 1 person

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