On April 4, my wife finally read all of my blog posts for the first time. I have not posted since, as I felt my personal diary had been violated. Yes, I share this blog to the world, but I do so anonymously. I write these thoughts to share my feelings and experiences, to vent, to receive feedback, and to seek therapy and possible help others. But having to forcibly share those those stream of consciousness thoughts with my wife was heart-wrenching. Still, my need to express my inner feelings is real, and so I write again.
I am now 9 weeks into HRT, and I have felt very little overall change. My skin in softer (I like that!), but my breasts do not show signs of growth. My hair grows about as quickly as it did before. I am slightly more emotional, but I am not riding the roller coaster waves that I was warned about. Granted, I am on a minimum dose of estradiol and spiro, so this could have a lot to do with it. Still, I had hoped for more changes after 2 months. I should have some labs next week, and if all is in line, I look to increase my dosages for greater effects in the coming months.
Of course, seeking more feminine effects is still a paradox in my world. I still have not fully made the decision to transition. I am most of the way there, but fear holds me back. Fear of a potential divorce, separation from my children, the possibility that I am making a bad choice—they are all real possibilities. However, despite the potential consequences, I move forward with HRT. I am actively engaged in treating my facial hair with laser treatments (2 so far). I wear panties and tuck on a daily basis. I long for the day I can simply wear what I want in front of my wife and in the world. But something holds me back. Something prevents me from breaking through the wall and accepting a full transition is for me.
What Do You Want?
A simple question. For most, there is a simple answer. In the movie Good Will Hunting, Robin William’s therapist character asks Matt Damon’s character this very question several times. Will has no answer, and gives a sarcastic answer that he wants to be a shepherd, which then gets him ejected from the therapist’s office because he can’t honestly answer this question. Tonight during my support group, I was indirectly asked this question when I presented my fear-based problems. I have no answer, and for me, that is a huge problem.
Since I am following the transition path, and I have been comfortable with all of the steps I have taken thus far, there must be a large part of me that wants this to happen. This would suggest that there is a woman in me waiting to come out to the world. I am more or less confident when I dress and am in public. I enjoy makeup and shopping. Even the “burdens” of shaving my legs and face to try to make myself more passable are somehow enjoyable. Even though I am a little scared of some of the irreversible effects of hormones, I am still a little disappointed I don’t have any real breast growth to speak of at this point—even though such obvious growth would nearly force my decision. I am emotionally distraught when I watch TV shows where an ultrasound is taken or a birth is shown, because a piece of me wants to have those experiences, although this will remain biologically impossible during my lifetime.
At the same time, I enjoy sex (not as much as I used to, but still…). I like the idea of being a mother, but as long as I continue to live the majority of my time as a male, it is hard not to continue to identify as a father. I need the love and attention that comes with marriage and a partner that genuinely wants me to be happy.
What do I want? I want the best of both worlds. I want the freedom to explore and express my femininity while maintaining my marriage and keeping my family together. But that is an idealistic dream. Those that follow my journey know that my wife has clearly stated that we cannot stay together if I feel I need to be a full-time woman. I must make a decision one way or the other, and pain will follow no matter which domino falls. So in the end, it really does boil down to what I want inside, and I still don’t know how to answer that question after being on this journey for nearly a year.
Where is my epiphany moment? What will trigger the switch that will align my head and my heart. Guidance is appreciated.