My FFS Dilemma: So Close, But So Far Away

Today, I had a conversation with the patient coordinator for the world’s foremost facial feminization surgeon in the world (who is actually local to me!). Last week, I had sent an e-mail to their office introducing myself. In the message, I said that I was seeking a consult for FFS and that I was covered by Medi-Cal. I was under the impression that the doctor did not take insurance, but I wanted to confirm. What was the harm in asking, right?

To my surprise, I actually received a response saying that they were interesting in talking to me. A glimmer of hope! After a few attempts to contact the office, I finally reached the patient coordinator by phone today. She took some information from me, and actually tentatively scheduled a consult for me in December. Yay, me! $365 non-refundable for the consult, she said. Then I asked about insurance, and the bubble burst.

The doctor will contract with insurance provided pre-authorization is approved, but he does not contract with Medi-Cal. I was given the option to finance my surgery through a health credit card or a personal loan, both of which I am sure would carry significant interest. I am already financially strapped. How do I pay for a $30K-$50K surgery with interest? I told them I would think about things. She said she would give me until Monday to decide if I wanted to schedule the consult for the date agreed to. So now what?

The idea that I could have a consult in December for a surgery in January or February is an amazing, dream come true. The fact that I even have a consult date at a particular date and time, if I accept, is incredible and makes this seem attainable. And… it is all with the most skilled FFS surgeon in the world. It sounds so perfect. In reality though, without an angel to finance me, the dream seems out of reach. I have not yet formally rejected the consult, but I have real trouble justifying going to the consult if I cannot follow-up with an actually surgery.

What if I go to the consult and walk away with amazing digital images of how beautiful I could be given the surgery. It would be kind of like looking at pictures of Hawaii without actually ever seeing it firsthand. Could that further my depression or cause me to make impulsive decisions that would affect the financial well-being of myself and my family? We are poor as it is. How can I justify adding to that debt for this?

My face is a sore point for me. I can still see the remaining masculine features in my face that need to go away for me to look like other women. If I see them, others can see them, too. FFS is more than a cosmetic procedure. It can have a profound effect on how I am perceived by the world and how well I am accepted. this truly is a quality of life issue; it is not simply cosmetic. This is why I am so stressed by this dilemma. I feel like I need to “fix” my face (at least parts of it). I need a skilled surgeon to do that for me, and I need that doctor to take my insurance.

There are other doctors that may take insurance (and even Medi-Cal), but how frustrating is it to have be this close to working with the protégé to the surgeon who actually wrote the book on this procedure? I have until Monday to sleep on it, but I don’t see how my situation will change by then unless some miracle comes my way.

I am losing control. So many things feel like they are out of hands, and I there is not really any assistance out there for me. It is these kinds of bubble bursts that prevent me from getting too happy and excited anymore. I continue to dream, but the dreams are darker or more unattainable. I don’t like those kinds of dreams. I miss looking at the bright side of life and the silver linings. When do the breaks start going my way again? What do I need to do make my dreams a reality?

Any miracle workers out there?

Advertisements

One thought on “My FFS Dilemma: So Close, But So Far Away

  1. georgiakevin says:

    What a beautiful sensitive kind well-written post. As an adult who knew who she was when she was 5, i can very much relate to these children. As an adult who grew up without family support and was (am) no0t as brave as these wonderful children, i have yet to begin my journey a journey i should have begi=un a very long time ago. Thank God for parents like you, like the parents in your post. For those of us who try to deny who we are the feelings simply won’t go away. To deny who we are makes us always incomplete and always a step away from being happy. Thank you soo much for all that you do, all that you are.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s